The Bad Bride Diaries: Things Nobody Tells You About Wedding Planning

Wedding planning is insane, turns out, and actually nobody tells you quite what it’s like. Here’s some of the surprises I’ve had in the planning stage.

  • When you starting drafting your guest list, you will be amazed by how many people you know, and begin to panic about how you’re going to afford to feed all these people.
  • To combat the above issue, you’ll consider causing some kind of family rift, or falling out with all your friends.
  • Small details are apparently incredibly important, and you’ll be asked to choose things like table runners and chair sashes, without really being sure what they actually are.
  • A naked chair is a no go, and your venue will be amazed if you suggest the chairs are fine without a cover, or one of these mysterious ‘sashes’.
  • Seating plans are the devil. You might think your family are all pretty normal and well behaved until you start having to work out where to sit people, and suddenly realise that dealing with divorced couples, friends with partners you don’t really know, and people you want to invite but who don’t really know any guests except you, is immensely complicated.
  • Everyone you’ve ever met will have some sort of opinion. Sometimes, these are uncalled for and mostly annoying (so far, we’ve had a ‘cheap’ venue suggested to us, which would have cost us our entire budget before we even put anything in it, been told I must have real flowers even though I don’t care about them, and I’ve lost count of all the people I’ve been told I should have as a bridesmaid). Just when you’re ready to stop talking to everyone until you’re married, someone will offer some incredibly useful advice (what to ask when you visit a venue, surprisingly cheap ways to ferry guests between ceremony and reception) and you’ll be so grateful, you’ll consider marrying that person instead.
  • You will spend a lot of your time exclaiming, “HOW MUCH?” Slap the word wedding in front of anything and the price rockets.
  • Despite never showing any inclination towards crafts before, you suddenly begin to consider all sorts of wedding DIYs, from invites to centre pieces. If you’re not genuinely skilled at this sort of thing, beware, and do NOT be fooled by Pinterest. If it looks fiddly to make, it probably is.
  • Gift lists are a minefield. Despite the fact you and your betrothed have been living together and are all stocked up with toasters and towel bundles, apparently you must still register for a gift list and include homewares. You might think your nearest and dearest might like to contribute to a bloody good holiday after all the wedding planning stress, or towards a housing deposit, but there will definitely be people who tell you a ‘honeymoon fund’ is incredibly tacky, even though it is perfectly polite to ask for overpriced pans from John Lewis. This makes no sense, and you will eventually decide to do what the hell you like and ignore anyone who complains.
  • There will be a point (probably several) where you consider jacking the whole thing in and just eloping. Gretna Green, or perhaps Vegas with an Elvis impersonator will seem like extremely attractive options.
  • For some reason, most things written about weddings assume the groom is a bit of an incompetent bumbler, who is largely disinterested in his own wedding. You will be advised to check up on anything he is in charge of, including attending his own suit appointments.
  • No matter how disinterested in weddings you were before, you will be utterly obsessed by yours. Your friends, family and possibly even your partner will be sick to death of you talking about centre pieces by the wedding. Sorry.